


hell is repetition

by sieccha



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route Spoilers, Gender-Neutral My Unit | Byleth, Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry, Other, Temporary Character Death, but their canon bond in the golden deer route is pretty strong i think, claude wrestles with his memories, mild byleth/claude, non-recruited students die, romance isn't the focus here, some students are recruited and some are not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:02:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24272524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sieccha/pseuds/sieccha
Summary: Byleth is with Claude and they stare at the night sky together. The night is tranquil but all he hears are screams that he’s never heard and death rattles that don’t exist. He squeezes his eyes shut and sees blood he’s never seen burned into the back of his lids. He wants to forget and he wants to forget and he wants to forget but the screams cling and cling and cling to him and he thinks his soul is dyed crimson.“Do you sleep?” Byleth asks quietly, as if afraid the goddess will hear them.“Do you?” He replies, a bitter smile etched on his lips.
Relationships: My Unit | Byleth & Claude von Riegan, My Unit | Byleth/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	hell is repetition

**Author's Note:**

> i found this 9-month-old fic in my folder. this was based on my thoughts while playing the game the first time. the idea is nothing new but i still enjoy what i wrote so i'm sharing it here.
> 
> hope you enjoy.

Claude stands before a transformed Miklan, a quickly dulling axe in hand. He hears everyone’s quickened breaths, the words of fear none of them dare speak. He can’t tear his gaze away from Sylvain, who could only stand stock still at the sight of his former brother. Byleth rushes at it, and instructs him to have his battalion rush it. The lightning illuminates the beast and thunder echoes through the hall. The beast barely looks bothered when it turns to face him. _Insects._ He realises it thinks of them as insects to be swatted away. The beast swipes at him and he hears a sickening crack. He remembers being torn apart and Byleth screaming as they reach for him.

Claude is standing before a transformed Miklan, a quickly dulling axe in hand. He hears Marianne utter a prayer and he wonders if the goddess will save them now. Sylvain is gripping his lance tightly, tongue rolling in a tautly locked jaw. Byleth catches his gaze with a look he has seen when they were looking at Lysithea, at Marianne, at Ignatz. Never before at him. It is pinched in pain, and their gaze is penetrating his with words left unspoken. Byleth tells him to remain behind as they rush at the demonic beast. _Like moths to a flame._ He thinks distantly as the lightning streaks across the sky. When the former Miklan whirls around to face Byleth, Claude screams, and remembers a scream he hears another time, another place.

Claude stares at a transformed Miklan, an arrow twirling in his hand and a bow in the other. Hilda is behind him, hands clasped over her mouth in mute horror, the words of fear dying in her throat. He can't tear his gaze away from Sylvain, he is silent, too. His tongue rolls in his tautly locked jaw and a snarl escapes his bared teeth. The storm thunders through this stone prison. _They are insects trapped in the lizard's cage._ Byleth tells Claude to remain behind and his mind screams because the screams are locked in his lungs and fresh in his heart.

They are alive and the screams are dead in his throat and he wonders why he feels an overwhelming sense of relief wash over him. The hulking mass of demonic flesh dissipates and reveals Miklan in his human form again, small and emaciated. Byleth drops to their knees, their sword clatters to the floor by their side. He runs to them, his breath leaving him in his panic. Their hand finds his arms first and they clutch onto him like they are going to die. “You’re okay. We’re okay,” he says, his thumb rubbing circles into their arm. _Don’t look at me like that._ He doesn’t say, staring into the lavender eyes of his professor, unable to look away. _Don’t look at me like I’m dead._

Claude von Riegan doesn’t remember dying, but he certainly thinks he did.

.

Byleth is with Claude and they stare at the night sky together. The night is tranquil but all he hears are screams that he’s never heard and death rattles that don’t exist. He squeezes his eyes shut and sees blood he’s never seen burned into the back of his lids. He wants to forget and he wants to forget and he wants to forget but the screams cling and cling and cling to him and he thinks his soul is dyed crimson.

“Do you sleep?” Byleth asks quietly, as if afraid the goddess will hear them.

The words rip him away from the world trapped in the darkest corner of his brain and he looks at them, their weary look mirroring his. They know things he doesn’t but he thinks he knows enough to understand. 

“Do you?” He replies, a bitter smile etched on his lips.

.

Claude is in the rain, and he sees Monica run Jeralt through with a dagger. The Blade Breaker falls with nary a scream and is no more. The blood stains the ground and mixes with the rain and he feels a sickening tug of his mind.

Claude is in the rain, a hand on Byleth’s shoulder, coaxing them to let Jeralt go. Everyone has given them a wide berth and he wonders if it’s because they wanted to give them privacy, or they feared what they would do in the aftermath. Leonie is beside herself with sorrow, and isn’t listening to anyone’s words of comfort. He stares at his classmates mutely before settling himself down next to Byleth. “He can’t die,” they say numbly to someone he knows exist but shouldn't. “I won’t let him.” He knows his hand never left their shoulder when he feels it in his very being and his mind screams again.

Claude is in the rain and his bow is slick in his hands. The arrow doesn’t find its target and he watches the great Blade Breaker fall to the ground, weak and small in death. Byleth is too far away to catch him. They cradle their father in their arms and whisper apologies to the pouring rain. He picks up the arrow and watches his classmates form a circle around them and hears Leonie scream.

Claude is in the rain and Byleth lunges and Jeralt falls.

Claude is in the rain and Byleth begs and Jeralt falls. 

Claude is in the rain and Byleth screams and Jeralt falls.

.

Claude finds Byleth in Jeralt’s room and there are no words, only a million screams in their minds and a million what-ifs in their hearts.

“Get some sleep,” He says, and holds them until their tear-streaked face smooths in their slumber.

.

“I miss them,” Byleth murmurs into his shirt. He doesn’t know who “them” refers to but he doesn’t ask, he just nods silently, stroking their light green hair. His mind is still reeling, reeling from being told he'll never see them again, reeling from seeing a tear in the sky, and reeling from nearly having lost them. He thinks that maybe having Byleth's screams echo in his mind is better than never hearing them speak at all again.

Claude didn’t die today but he knows a part of his soul almost did.

.

“I won’t let any of you die,” They tell their students before they leave to get ready, and Claude knows this is a statement of fact, a promise. He is the last to leave and his thumb rubs circles into their wrist. Their face is pinched in pain again and he knows the screams he hears are the same ones they endure.

He doesn’t know why the screams are etched within him so strongly and the blood stained so deeply but he sees the war behind their eyes and so he reminds them they aren’t alone.

“So don’t leave me alone,” He breathes.

.

Rhea speaks to Edelgard and then an anguished cry rattles the archbishop’s lungs as she falls to her knees. The Imperial army is reinvigorated at the sight of her death and their cheers reverberate against the stone walls of the monastery. Ladislava swings at Claude and he braces himself for the familiar tug in his mind.

Claude speaks to Edelgard, blood trickling down his temple. She is standing tall and regal, fitting of an emperor and a leader who believes in their cause. Maybe in another life, they would have understood each other. Maybe in another life, they would have stood side by side against the world. Maybe in another life, Byleth wouldn’t have chosen him. He smiles through gritted teeth and doesn’t let himself scream when her axe buries into his shoulder.

Byleth speaks to Edelgard and Claude nocks an arrow. Byleth dances out of the way of the axe and comes out of the encounter unscathed but he knows the agony deep within them. He talks to Edelgard again, the words he's never said before to her echoing in his head, cold and familiar. His arrow buries itself deep into her shoulder and she retreats with a threat of destruction, a promise of pain. They’ve won.

They’ve _won_.

_Did_ they?

.

They lose Byleth in the chaos. The white dragon falls in battle as quickly as it had appeared and Claude hears a distant scream and he wonders if it is one that existed.

.

Deep into the night, Claude sneaks back into the monastery, avoiding the watchful eyes of the soldiers on patrol. He digs through the stone and the rubble till his hands bleed. His classmates are beside him and desperately clawing through the debris. There are tears in their eyes and cries on their lips.

Byleth is loved.

He wonders if they knew that.

“You need to rest, Claude,” Someone beseeches him.

“I can’t,” He replies and turns another stone and hopes the screams will die.

Shouts come from behind them and the thundering of footsteps grow louder. His friends drag him away, his outstretched hand barely ghosting across a rock within his reach, into the shelter of darkness. The monastery fades from his view and the screams in his mind grows louder and louder. He closes his eyes and he waits for their familiar comforting touch in his mind.

The monastery is still gone and the screams never quiet.

.

“Are you sleeping enough?” He asks the stars in the sky one night. His eyelids are heavy with sleep and he has no time to entertain the screams within him.

The stars don’t answer him and he chuckles darkly. The wyvern curled up next to him nudges his shoulder sleepily in questioning. He strokes her snout absentmindedly and stares at something he doesn't see. A fire glows in the night sky far away and he thinks he hears the scream of another village. He presses his ear against the rumbling chest of his beast but the screams won't die.

"It's been five years, Teach," he stares at his hands stained with blood, crimson liquid that doesn't exist. The sky is quiet. “Maybe you’re sleeping enough for the both of us.”

.

Claude waits at the Goddess Tower and sees the mess of light green hair, the morning sunlight casting a golden halo on them. For the first time in years his heart seizes with joy and he doesn't hear anything except their breathing and their voice.

"You overslept," he smiles sincerely. He takes in their presence in its entirety and an indescribable emotion overwhelms him.

"I'm sorry," They say, their arms wrapping around him and fingers carding his hair. "I'm sorry you had to be alone."

.

Ferdinand is standing on Myrddin, his flowing orange tresses tumbling out of his armor and his face set in a determined frown. "Ferdie…" Dorothea whispers in abject horror, a hand covering her lips. The noble speaks of his duty and Claude thinks distantly that in another life he and Lorenz would have been friends. The lance glints in the sunlight as it swings toward Dorothea and he finds it ironic that the songstress's final moments are deafeningly silent.

Ferdinand is standing on Myrddin, he is poised and proud atop his steed. The scream seems to drip across the point of his pristine lance but Claude's heart tells him there was no scream in the memory that is not quite his. It is a quiet expulsion of breath and then no more. Lysithea stands before the orange-haired noble now and he knows his heart cannot deny the scream-- so true and so clear-- from Ferdinand now. Byleth looks at Claude from across the bridge and mouths a word before he feels their touch across his mind. _Sorry_.

Ferdinand is standing on Myrddin, his shield held protectively over his heart. Claude faintly remembers that the dark spikes pierced his heart and he wonders why he is alive and well now. "Ferdie…" Dorothea is next to him and he remembers she should be dead too, crimson blood soaking a scarlet dress. Byleth runs Ferdinand through with their sword and in his last moments the noble is quiet and humble. Claude's mind screams because he doesn't remember and Byleth screams because they do.

.

"I could've saved him," Byleth says one night when they are looking at the night sky.

He tears his gaze away from the stars and finds them in their green eyes. "Maybe," he replies. His fingers wipe their tears and brush against the bags under their eyes. Sleep rarely finds them now.

Byleth encloses his hand in theirs and their thumb draws soothing circles into his hand. Their smile is wane but it is all they can muster tonight and it is far brighter than the moon hanging above them.

"Maybe," he repeats and doesn't say anymore.

They will sleep when this war is over.

.

Dimitri dies alone in the forest surrounded by enemies.

Dimitri dies alone in the forest, rage-filled and vengeance-seeking.

Dimitri dies alone in the forest and Claude tries to hold onto the smile of a young chivalrous prince and not his scream.

.

"Thank you," Claude murmurs to Byleth and they stir next to him, sending him questioning gaze. He explains, "For choosing me."

There is a pause. "I wouldn't have had it any other way," they say.

He runs his hand through their hair. He knows the unspoken words Byleth chooses not to say. " _But I wish I could've saved him."_

_Me too._ He replies silently and wonders if it would've been him in the forest alone and alone in another lifetime and in another world.

.

Edelgard smiles in her death and Byleth rewinds no more. Claude stares at the fallen Emperor tiny and peaceful in death and feels the rage of spilled blood and lost lives.

She is no more, but the screams remain.

What will it take to silence them?

.

Nemesis is standing across them from the swamp and every fibre of Claude's being is begging him to be the last. His soul is tired, far too tired, and he doesn't think he can take any more.

Nemesis is standing across them and Felix is run through by a ghost of centuries past.

Nemesis is standing across them and Seteth and Flayn, ages old, finds their demise by a man that should be dead.

Nemesis is standing across them and Raphael and Ignatz and Marianne and Lorenz are dead _dead DEAD_ \--

Nemesis is standing across them from the swamp and Claude thinks his fractured soul and wretched heart can take no more of this. He hurls empty words at the man who should be six feet in the ground and Failnaught fires an arrow skyward. Byleth yells as the Sword of the Creator runs through the man who screams one last time and then Claude hopes it is the last one he ever has to hear.

.

"You are loved," he whispers into their hair, its light green set aflame by the soft morning rays. His arms wrap around them tightly and he never wants to let go.

"So are you," they smile a tired smile and he remembers why he doesn't miss looking at the night sky anymore.

He has dreamt of this moment and he thinks maybe the screams they've endured were worth it. He doesn't think they are. But it is the price of a near-unattainable dream and he will spend the lives he has lived repaying the debt. He focuses on their breathing and he thinks the screams grow a bit quieter.


End file.
